Dealing with Commitment Anxiety in Relationships: A Step-by-Step Guide

What is commitment anxiety and how it manifests in relationships

Commitment anxiety is a fear of connecting with another person due to the fear of getting hurt, loss, or losing autonomy. In romantic relationships this can show up as withdrawal, avoidance of closeness, doubts about the relationship's intensity, and avoiding deep emotional investment. The pattern may stem from past experiences or an attachment style that prioritizes safety over closeness. It is not a sign of weakness but a pattern you can change with awareness and practice. In this article you will learn how to gradually cultivate greater certainty step by step through clear concepts and practical exercises. We discuss two well-known methods from the self-help world: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and how these can be useful for anxiety around relationships. With the right approach you can learn that closeness is possible without losing yourself and without fear taking over.

The brain's role: amygdala and regulation by the prefrontal cortex

In the human body the amygdala plays a key role in detecting threats and directing quick responses such as withdrawal or, conversely, excessive checking. In commitment anxiety this brain structure can become activated more often, making closeness feel like danger. The prefrontal cortex then helps regulate these automatic cues and weigh options. When regulation falters, fear can take the lead and responses arise from automatic fear reactions rather than deliberate choices. Through deliberate practice you can strengthen the connection between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. Techniques from ACT and EFT can help you observe fear, calm your breathing, and gradually reclaim control so that closeness becomes possible and sustainable.

Powerful tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Emotional Freedom Techniques

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches you to accept anxiety without judging it and then to choose actions aligned with your values. A key tool is Exposure in relationships, a controlled form of closeness that is gradually expanded. Values reflection helps you choose what you truly want in a relationship—such as honesty, loyalty, and connectedness—and to use these values as a compass when making difficult choices. The communication plan supports you by working with your partner to establish agreements about open communication, clear boundaries, and regular check-ins. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) offer additional methods such as gentle tapping of meridian points and targeted breathing that reduce physical tension. Together these tools help give you more space for vulnerability while staying the course toward fidelity to yourself and to the relationship.

Practical steps: exposure in relationships, values reflection, and a communication plan

Begin with exposure in relationships by taking small steps toward closeness and safety. Start, for example, with a short activity together without needing to share deep intimacy right away, and afterward reflect on what happened and what you need. Increase the intensity gradually, but give yourself time to recover. Use values reflection as a compass: note which core values you want to experience in a relationship, such as safety, honesty, and connectedness, and let these values guide your choices during moments of fear. Work with your partner to develop a communication plan in which you use “I” statements and express what you need without blame, and schedule regular moments to discuss feelings and needs. In addition, apply EFT techniques such as tapping and controlled breathing to reduce tension. With a consistent approach you increase confidence in yourself and in the relationship and give fear less grip.

8 oktober 2025 – door Lou KnowsYou, psycholoog & trainer in gedragsverandering

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